I can't remember now what it was, but something caused me tonight to go back and revisit the blog that Joe and I kept during his short, 4 month battle with cancer . I wish there had been somebody here to yell "STOP, STOP, DON'T DO THAT!", or it would have been great if there was caution tape across the front page of his blog that read "WARNING - Do Not Click Further - Lots of Tears and Ugly Crys Ahead."
Honestly, I don't know if I would have heeded any of the warnings anyhow (yes, I'm such a rebel...ask my sister about the girl who tried to cut in front me at Target on BLACK FRIDAY), because I clicked on his page, and I read every post and every comment, and I cried the ugly cry......and then I cried some more.
When Joe and I started writing this blog, it forced us to put some of our emotions about what was happening down on paper (or I guess on a computer screen, but whatever...). This blog became a bit cathartic for us. So re-reading his blog tonight has inspired me to give it another try. Frankly, I don't know if anyone will even see this, but it is more for me than anybody else, so I am ok with that...
It has been 8 1/2 months since Joe passed away. Some days this seems like it was so long ago, and other days it seems like it was just yesterday. Everything happened so fast once Joe was diagnosed. We were trying to take in all the Dr. mumble jumble and get from appointment A, to appointment B, to appointment C, so on and so forth. And oh yea, we were also trying to keep our already semi-chaotic household in order.
When I casually think back on those first few weeks, they seem like a blur, but last week happened to be the one year anniversary from when Joe was diagnosed, and it turns out that I remember every painful conversation we had with the numerous doctors we met with that week. I also remember the mix of emotions running through both our heads, and I remember us just sitting together quietly, neither of us saying anything. We were both so consumed with the all the information the doctors had given us, but more importantly all the information the doctors didn't give us and we really wanted to know.
As dull drum as that sounds, I also remember Joe getting into his fighting mode so quickly, and was ready to take on this Cancer bitch right away. Joe drank the green smoothies, walked when he could, and prayed like he has never prayed before (those were his words - not mine). Unfortunately I think that his brave and positive attitude really masked how much pain he was in during this time, and I would bet that he did this on purpose for the kids and I :(
Don't get me wrong. Joe did have moments, many moments, when he was CLEARLY not feeling well, and was in a lot of pain. And there many times that mentally and emotionally he was challenged to find that bright spot to focus on.
Overall, Joe was still braver than most, and more positive than most in this situation. It is hard to believe that he has been gone for so long already, and it is hard to believe that he has been gone for longer than he was even given the chance to fight back.
I miss him every day, every hour, every minute of the day. I am sometimes afraid that my missing him will always hurt like this, but I am more afraid that someday it wont hurt this much.
- Jess
Jess,
ReplyDeleteI still have this link in my favorites and I still get the notifications when something is posted. It was nice to see you post on here.
Re-reading these, as I do once in a while, does bring it all back to the presnt day. You are right, Joe fought like crazy. I remember still the pain he was in when I would meet up with him at Beaumont for his drainings. He never let on though. As crazy as it was, it was awesome to be there with him. We wouldn't even talk a whole lot either, but just being there with him was a bonus. But he was in obvious pain.
I thought about the fact that it was the anniversary of the time we found out, and can't believe it. I walked past your house with Hobbes this morning and thought to myself about being outside there with Joe and you guys and how that was his house. Miss having you guys right there. I wear my Cancer Ninja bracelet loud and proud still, never take it off. Joe is in my heart every day.
I hope you know that we are all still with you, praying, and on a different level feeling the same as you are. Smile, you know Joe is smiling down on us and that is all he asked of us was to smile for him!! :-)
Love ya,
Dan
Jess,
ReplyDeleteYes, I too have gone back and re read the blogs and, still cry. I know that I only new Joe for a short while, but he has left a everlasting impression in our hearts!
I have so much utmost respect for you and your family! I'm proud to have known Joe, and so very proud and happy that the Walters are part of the Shosey's life!
I'm always here for you and the kids!
Love you!
Becky
Jess,
ReplyDeleteI have read this blog many times and I cry every single time. Today I came to it to send the link to Kirstie and saw that you posted. Like you, I saw bright yellow caution tape in my mind, knowing that I would cry even though I hadn't read it yet. And like you, I marched right through that tape and read your post...and cried!
You and Joe are the kind of people that many of us just hope to be like. Great, genuine and just all around amazing people. It has been an honor to be involved in the upcoming Relay for Life where we will honor and remember Joe for all his awesomeness. Hearing from people I hadn't even thought of since high school and hearing their stories and memories of Joe has been wonderful. The outpouring of love and support for you and the kids is really cool.
Like Dan, BJ and I wear our Cancer Ninja bracelets every single day. They have never come off. I look at it and remember you guys and smile, and sometimes cry. And then I try to smile again at Joe's request.
You and the kids are always in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so excited to see you all next week!
Big love and hugs from Nevada,
Jen
Jess,
ReplyDeleteI have never met you but know Jason Weir. I just donated luminarias in memory of my brother, John, who died from a brain tumor in 2010 (still seems like yesterday), in honor of my sisters who are both breast cancer survivors, and for a coworker who was diagnosed with Stage IV Colorectal cancer in December. Like your husband, Chad is young (only 29) and a daddy (of a 2 year old and a newborn). I followed your husband's blog and loved his sense of humor!
Stay strong,
Liz
Hi Jess,
ReplyDeleteYour family is my family even though I don't get to see you as often as I would like. You are always in my thoughts, all of you. I too visit this blog once in a while, thinking about his courageous fight but a short one. Still hard to believe. You will always hurt Im sure, you loved each other very much, the father of your children. You will see him in them forever. Looking forward to the Relay for Life event, see you all there.
Love to all!
Rosie (Grandma)