I can't remember now what it was, but something caused me tonight to go back and revisit the blog that Joe and I kept during his short, 4 month battle with cancer . I wish there had been somebody here to yell "STOP, STOP, DON'T DO THAT!", or it would have been great if there was caution tape across the front page of his blog that read "WARNING - Do Not Click Further - Lots of Tears and Ugly Crys Ahead."
Honestly, I don't know if I would have heeded any of the warnings anyhow (yes, I'm such a rebel...ask my sister about the girl who tried to cut in front me at Target on BLACK FRIDAY), because I clicked on his page, and I read every post and every comment, and I cried the ugly cry......and then I cried some more.
When Joe and I started writing this blog, it forced us to put some of our emotions about what was happening down on paper (or I guess on a computer screen, but whatever...). This blog became a bit cathartic for us. So re-reading his blog tonight has inspired me to give it another try. Frankly, I don't know if anyone will even see this, but it is more for me than anybody else, so I am ok with that...
It has been 8 1/2 months since Joe passed away. Some days this seems like it was so long ago, and other days it seems like it was just yesterday. Everything happened so fast once Joe was diagnosed. We were trying to take in all the Dr. mumble jumble and get from appointment A, to appointment B, to appointment C, so on and so forth. And oh yea, we were also trying to keep our already semi-chaotic household in order.
When I casually think back on those first few weeks, they seem like a blur, but last week happened to be the one year anniversary from when Joe was diagnosed, and it turns out that I remember every painful conversation we had with the numerous doctors we met with that week. I also remember the mix of emotions running through both our heads, and I remember us just sitting together quietly, neither of us saying anything. We were both so consumed with the all the information the doctors had given us, but more importantly all the information the doctors didn't give us and we really wanted to know.
As dull drum as that sounds, I also remember Joe getting into his fighting mode so quickly, and was ready to take on this Cancer bitch right away. Joe drank the green smoothies, walked when he could, and prayed like he has never prayed before (those were his words - not mine). Unfortunately I think that his brave and positive attitude really masked how much pain he was in during this time, and I would bet that he did this on purpose for the kids and I :(
Don't get me wrong. Joe did have moments, many moments, when he was CLEARLY not feeling well, and was in a lot of pain. And there many times that mentally and emotionally he was challenged to find that bright spot to focus on.
Overall, Joe was still braver than most, and more positive than most in this situation. It is hard to believe that he has been gone for so long already, and it is hard to believe that he has been gone for longer than he was even given the chance to fight back.
I miss him every day, every hour, every minute of the day. I am sometimes afraid that my missing him will always hurt like this, but I am more afraid that someday it wont hurt this much.
- Jess
