I can't remember now what it was, but something caused me tonight to go back and revisit the blog that Joe and I kept during his short, 4 month battle with cancer . I wish there had been somebody here to yell "STOP, STOP, DON'T DO THAT!", or it would have been great if there was caution tape across the front page of his blog that read "WARNING - Do Not Click Further - Lots of Tears and Ugly Crys Ahead."
Honestly, I don't know if I would have heeded any of the warnings anyhow (yes, I'm such a rebel...ask my sister about the girl who tried to cut in front me at Target on BLACK FRIDAY), because I clicked on his page, and I read every post and every comment, and I cried the ugly cry......and then I cried some more.
When Joe and I started writing this blog, it forced us to put some of our emotions about what was happening down on paper (or I guess on a computer screen, but whatever...). This blog became a bit cathartic for us. So re-reading his blog tonight has inspired me to give it another try. Frankly, I don't know if anyone will even see this, but it is more for me than anybody else, so I am ok with that...
It has been 8 1/2 months since Joe passed away. Some days this seems like it was so long ago, and other days it seems like it was just yesterday. Everything happened so fast once Joe was diagnosed. We were trying to take in all the Dr. mumble jumble and get from appointment A, to appointment B, to appointment C, so on and so forth. And oh yea, we were also trying to keep our already semi-chaotic household in order.
When I casually think back on those first few weeks, they seem like a blur, but last week happened to be the one year anniversary from when Joe was diagnosed, and it turns out that I remember every painful conversation we had with the numerous doctors we met with that week. I also remember the mix of emotions running through both our heads, and I remember us just sitting together quietly, neither of us saying anything. We were both so consumed with the all the information the doctors had given us, but more importantly all the information the doctors didn't give us and we really wanted to know.
As dull drum as that sounds, I also remember Joe getting into his fighting mode so quickly, and was ready to take on this Cancer bitch right away. Joe drank the green smoothies, walked when he could, and prayed like he has never prayed before (those were his words - not mine). Unfortunately I think that his brave and positive attitude really masked how much pain he was in during this time, and I would bet that he did this on purpose for the kids and I :(
Don't get me wrong. Joe did have moments, many moments, when he was CLEARLY not feeling well, and was in a lot of pain. And there many times that mentally and emotionally he was challenged to find that bright spot to focus on.
Overall, Joe was still braver than most, and more positive than most in this situation. It is hard to believe that he has been gone for so long already, and it is hard to believe that he has been gone for longer than he was even given the chance to fight back.
I miss him every day, every hour, every minute of the day. I am sometimes afraid that my missing him will always hurt like this, but I am more afraid that someday it wont hurt this much.
- Jess
Monday, April 8, 2013
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Service Information
For all of you requesting information regarding services for Joe:
Visitation:
2:00 pm to 8:00 pm on Tuesday, July 31, 2012 at Potere-Modetz Funeral Home 339 Walnut Boulevard Rochester MI 48307 (map/driving directions)
Service:
11:00 am on Wednesday, August 1, 2012 at Woodside Bible Church - Troy 6600 Rochester Road Troy MI (map/driving directions)
with an instate time of 10 a.m.
http://www.modetzfuneralhomes.com/
Visitation:
2:00 pm to 8:00 pm on Tuesday, July 31, 2012 at Potere-Modetz Funeral Home 339 Walnut Boulevard Rochester MI 48307 (map/driving directions)
Service:
11:00 am on Wednesday, August 1, 2012 at Woodside Bible Church - Troy 6600 Rochester Road Troy MI (map/driving directions)
with an instate time of 10 a.m.
http://www.modetzfuneralhomes.com/
Peace
Joe passed away peacefully yesterday evening surrounded by his loved ones.
For all that have spoken with, or visited with him this past week, don't forget that he made you promise that you would smile instead of cry upon hearing this news.
He was truly at peace with what was happening, and we should all get some comfort from that.
Please continue to pray for Grace, Joey and Cooper.
For all that have spoken with, or visited with him this past week, don't forget that he made you promise that you would smile instead of cry upon hearing this news.
He was truly at peace with what was happening, and we should all get some comfort from that.
Please continue to pray for Grace, Joey and Cooper.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Update
Just wanted to give everybody a quick update on Joe.....
He has been doing well and enjoying lots of company. He still has his sense of humor and is keeping all of his visitors along with the hospice staff entertained with his snarky comments. He is able to sit up in a chair and even takes a few laps around the hospice wing once a day (he keeps looking for someone to race, but isn't finding much competition!). While there is a lot of laughter, there is also definitely a lot of tears. It is quite the roller coaster of emotions.
The staff here is A-MAZ-ING! Several of the nurses that he has met over the last four months have stopped by. They are all sporting his CANCER NINJA bracelets and rallying for him. He has honestly touched so many people with his ability to hold his head high throughout this that even the nurses are leaving in tears.
He is at peace with everything that is happening, but is concerned for the kids and I. We try to reassure him with the fact that we are surrounded by great family and friends and it helps some.
The kids are understandably confused, scared and sad....as are we all. When the kids were leaving the hospital last night, Joey convinced me to let him get something out of the vending machine. A few minutes later, as we were walking down the hall, Joey opened his hand and showed me the pack of Life Savers he had chosen and said "I wish I could just give dad one of these and it would work." (insert tears!!) My heart just breaks for them.
Right now, all signs show that his body is continuing to fight the infection, but he is sleeping much more and eating/drinking less. We are bringing him home tomorrow and will be getting hospice care from the house. This was a tough decision, but Joe wants to be able to see the kids during the time when he is awake and feeling good.
We are both overwhelmed by the outpouring of love he is receiving. Know that all the text messages, voice mails, and Facebook comments are beings heard. Please continue to pray for him to be at peace and free of pain, also please pray for our 3 AWESOME kids who are hurting.
- Jess
Below are some pics from the last few days (many of your have probably already seen these on Facebook)
- The kids sending some prayers up
- His Cancer Ninja bracelet (all the cool kids have one!)
- One of his awesome nurses reloading his super powers
- His opinion of cancer is pretty clear
He has been doing well and enjoying lots of company. He still has his sense of humor and is keeping all of his visitors along with the hospice staff entertained with his snarky comments. He is able to sit up in a chair and even takes a few laps around the hospice wing once a day (he keeps looking for someone to race, but isn't finding much competition!). While there is a lot of laughter, there is also definitely a lot of tears. It is quite the roller coaster of emotions.
The staff here is A-MAZ-ING! Several of the nurses that he has met over the last four months have stopped by. They are all sporting his CANCER NINJA bracelets and rallying for him. He has honestly touched so many people with his ability to hold his head high throughout this that even the nurses are leaving in tears.
He is at peace with everything that is happening, but is concerned for the kids and I. We try to reassure him with the fact that we are surrounded by great family and friends and it helps some.
The kids are understandably confused, scared and sad....as are we all. When the kids were leaving the hospital last night, Joey convinced me to let him get something out of the vending machine. A few minutes later, as we were walking down the hall, Joey opened his hand and showed me the pack of Life Savers he had chosen and said "I wish I could just give dad one of these and it would work." (insert tears!!) My heart just breaks for them.
Right now, all signs show that his body is continuing to fight the infection, but he is sleeping much more and eating/drinking less. We are bringing him home tomorrow and will be getting hospice care from the house. This was a tough decision, but Joe wants to be able to see the kids during the time when he is awake and feeling good.
We are both overwhelmed by the outpouring of love he is receiving. Know that all the text messages, voice mails, and Facebook comments are beings heard. Please continue to pray for him to be at peace and free of pain, also please pray for our 3 AWESOME kids who are hurting.
- Jess
Below are some pics from the last few days (many of your have probably already seen these on Facebook)
- The kids sending some prayers up
- His Cancer Ninja bracelet (all the cool kids have one!)
- One of his awesome nurses reloading his super powers
- His opinion of cancer is pretty clear
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Joe
As many of you already know, Joe has taken a turn for the worse, and unfortunately it looks like there is no turning back this time.
This past week Joe has been in a lot of pain. When he went in for his infusion on Wednesday, his white blood cell count was high, his heart rate was high and he had a low grade fever. All signs of infection. The doctor loaded him up with antibiotics but told him to go straight to the ER if he started to feel worse. By the time Friday morning rolled around, he was definitely feeling worse, so off to the ER we went. On our way to there we both thought that this was the quickest way to get the GOOD painkillers, and get some of the pressure taken off of his stomach by way of another paracentisis. We THOUGHT this would be a fairly quick (at least by ER standards) trip to the emergency room. We never would have thought that once Joe was admitted, he likely won't get the chance to leave.
The first half of the day in the ER on Friday went by pretty quietly. In the afternoon, they did a paracentisis. During the paracentisis, air/gas started coming through the tube. Apparently, this was a red flag for the doctor and a CT scan was done to get a better idea of what was going on. On the CT Scan they detected a perforated bowel, and a surgeon was immediately called in.
We had met with this surgeon once before after Joe's initial diagnosis, and new that he was a very straightforward sort of guy. In no uncertain terms, he told us that this was not an ideal situation, and that there was a chance that once they got Joe opened up, the cancer would be too invasive and they wouldn't be able to do anything. If that was the case, there were no other options, and the perforated bowel would make Joe septic. Lastly, the surgeon said that the surgery would take 3-4 hours.
This was all happening so fast. Just two weeks ago, we were boating Up North, enjoying the Cherry Festival, and Joe had gone fishing and ACTUALLY caught a fish (this was a big event because he does a lot of fishing but not a lot of catching!). I couldn't (and really still can't) wrap my head around how he could be feeling so good just two weeks ago, and now be feeling so bad and needing emergency surgery.
Joe was taken back for surgery around 7. It had already been a long day, and I knew that the night was far from over. My emotions were all over the place. Joe's sister, Elayne, and I were a mess of nerves as we waited for the doctor to come get us. We knew that the longer it took, the better, because that would mean that they were actually able to perform the surgery. Close to 8, the waiting room attendant came over to tell us that the surgery was over and the doctor would be right out to talk to us. My heart dropped as I looked at the clock and saw that it had only been an hour since they started. That could only mean one thing.
Once the doctor finally came out to talk to us, he told us what we had already figured out. The cancer was everywhere, and if they had done the surgery, he would have died on the table. The only option now was hospice care. I can't even describe my emotions at this point..fear, sadness, anger, confusion. You name it, I am sure I was/am feeling it. The most overwhelming feeling was dread. I dreaded telling Joe. Could there be anything worse?
Once we were finally able to go back and see him, the nurse told us that the surgeon gave Joe the news that they weren't able to do anything. Seeing him the first time was horrible, beyond horrible really. I couldn't describe my emotions when I was told that he had to have emergency surgery in less than ideal circumstances, and I REALLY can't describe how it feels to know that they couldn't do the surgery and there are no more options for him.
Fast forward 24 hours, and I sit here tonight in hospice care and watch Joe relax peacefully. They are keeping him out of pain and taking great care of him. We don't know if it will days or maybe weeks before he passes, but are comforted in the fact the he is not in pain. He has been in great spirits today and enjoyed lots of visits from friends and family.
As a parent, I don't think there could be anything harder than having to explain that daddy isn't coming home from the hospital. All I can say is that it was gut wrenching horrible, but Joe and I sat with them and got through it together. I am sure there will be dozens or even hundreds of equally painful conversations in the days, weeks, months and years to come but at least I got to do this one with Joe and he could tell them each how much he loves them.
Lastly, I want to say how proud of Joe I am. He has fought so hard these last 4 months and endured more pain than most of us will ever have to face. On the days that I stress, he calmly tells me to relax and that it is out of our control. He truly believes this and it has brought him so much comfort. Late last night/early this morning he told me that he wasn't scared of dying. He is so brave and so strong and I am so lucky.
- Jess
Some pics from our weekend Up North just two weeks ago....
This past week Joe has been in a lot of pain. When he went in for his infusion on Wednesday, his white blood cell count was high, his heart rate was high and he had a low grade fever. All signs of infection. The doctor loaded him up with antibiotics but told him to go straight to the ER if he started to feel worse. By the time Friday morning rolled around, he was definitely feeling worse, so off to the ER we went. On our way to there we both thought that this was the quickest way to get the GOOD painkillers, and get some of the pressure taken off of his stomach by way of another paracentisis. We THOUGHT this would be a fairly quick (at least by ER standards) trip to the emergency room. We never would have thought that once Joe was admitted, he likely won't get the chance to leave.
The first half of the day in the ER on Friday went by pretty quietly. In the afternoon, they did a paracentisis. During the paracentisis, air/gas started coming through the tube. Apparently, this was a red flag for the doctor and a CT scan was done to get a better idea of what was going on. On the CT Scan they detected a perforated bowel, and a surgeon was immediately called in.
We had met with this surgeon once before after Joe's initial diagnosis, and new that he was a very straightforward sort of guy. In no uncertain terms, he told us that this was not an ideal situation, and that there was a chance that once they got Joe opened up, the cancer would be too invasive and they wouldn't be able to do anything. If that was the case, there were no other options, and the perforated bowel would make Joe septic. Lastly, the surgeon said that the surgery would take 3-4 hours.
This was all happening so fast. Just two weeks ago, we were boating Up North, enjoying the Cherry Festival, and Joe had gone fishing and ACTUALLY caught a fish (this was a big event because he does a lot of fishing but not a lot of catching!). I couldn't (and really still can't) wrap my head around how he could be feeling so good just two weeks ago, and now be feeling so bad and needing emergency surgery.
Joe was taken back for surgery around 7. It had already been a long day, and I knew that the night was far from over. My emotions were all over the place. Joe's sister, Elayne, and I were a mess of nerves as we waited for the doctor to come get us. We knew that the longer it took, the better, because that would mean that they were actually able to perform the surgery. Close to 8, the waiting room attendant came over to tell us that the surgery was over and the doctor would be right out to talk to us. My heart dropped as I looked at the clock and saw that it had only been an hour since they started. That could only mean one thing.
Once the doctor finally came out to talk to us, he told us what we had already figured out. The cancer was everywhere, and if they had done the surgery, he would have died on the table. The only option now was hospice care. I can't even describe my emotions at this point..fear, sadness, anger, confusion. You name it, I am sure I was/am feeling it. The most overwhelming feeling was dread. I dreaded telling Joe. Could there be anything worse?
Once we were finally able to go back and see him, the nurse told us that the surgeon gave Joe the news that they weren't able to do anything. Seeing him the first time was horrible, beyond horrible really. I couldn't describe my emotions when I was told that he had to have emergency surgery in less than ideal circumstances, and I REALLY can't describe how it feels to know that they couldn't do the surgery and there are no more options for him.
Fast forward 24 hours, and I sit here tonight in hospice care and watch Joe relax peacefully. They are keeping him out of pain and taking great care of him. We don't know if it will days or maybe weeks before he passes, but are comforted in the fact the he is not in pain. He has been in great spirits today and enjoyed lots of visits from friends and family.
As a parent, I don't think there could be anything harder than having to explain that daddy isn't coming home from the hospital. All I can say is that it was gut wrenching horrible, but Joe and I sat with them and got through it together. I am sure there will be dozens or even hundreds of equally painful conversations in the days, weeks, months and years to come but at least I got to do this one with Joe and he could tell them each how much he loves them.
Lastly, I want to say how proud of Joe I am. He has fought so hard these last 4 months and endured more pain than most of us will ever have to face. On the days that I stress, he calmly tells me to relax and that it is out of our control. He truly believes this and it has brought him so much comfort. Late last night/early this morning he told me that he wasn't scared of dying. He is so brave and so strong and I am so lucky.
- Jess
Some pics from our weekend Up North just two weeks ago....
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Sucks to be Cancer
Last Monday, Joe met with the oncologist. As usual, I was pretty freakin' nervous before hand. Joe kept reminding me that he has been feeling good and he hasn't had any tests done lately that would bring bad news. Still....I was nervous. Can't help it.
Joe has been feeling better....much, much better! The ascites (cancer juice) has been accumulating at a slower pace, therefore he is eating more and has more energy. Also, this means that he doesn't need to get 'drained' as frequently. He was drained last Tuesday before chemo, and it had been 8 days since the previous draining. A new record!
His only frustrations lately, have to do with swelling in the ankles and knees, and oral thrush (a common side effect of the chemo). The first time he noticed his cankles caused a bit of concern, and the doctor sent him in for an ultra sound to ensure that it wasn't a blood clot. Luckily, there were none, and it is probably just the crazy hot weather we have been having.
Overall, the doctor was very happy with the progress that is being made. The plan is for Joe to get another scan at the end of the month to see if anything is shrinking. Fingers crossed!
***************************
Last Tuesday, Joe had round 3 of his chemo treatment. Three down and nine to go. Honestly, he doesn't mind these too much. The chemo appears to be doing something, and the side-effects haven't been too bad (knock on wood). One of the pre-meds they give Joe is a steroid, so he has a bunch of energy for the 2nd and 3rd day following his treatment. Usually it is on the 4th and 5th day that he just crashes from exhaustion. The plan is to go up north for the weekend, so he is just praying that he has enough energy to get some fishing in!
- Jess
Joe has been feeling better....much, much better! The ascites (cancer juice) has been accumulating at a slower pace, therefore he is eating more and has more energy. Also, this means that he doesn't need to get 'drained' as frequently. He was drained last Tuesday before chemo, and it had been 8 days since the previous draining. A new record!
His only frustrations lately, have to do with swelling in the ankles and knees, and oral thrush (a common side effect of the chemo). The first time he noticed his cankles caused a bit of concern, and the doctor sent him in for an ultra sound to ensure that it wasn't a blood clot. Luckily, there were none, and it is probably just the crazy hot weather we have been having.
Overall, the doctor was very happy with the progress that is being made. The plan is for Joe to get another scan at the end of the month to see if anything is shrinking. Fingers crossed!
***************************
Last Tuesday, Joe had round 3 of his chemo treatment. Three down and nine to go. Honestly, he doesn't mind these too much. The chemo appears to be doing something, and the side-effects haven't been too bad (knock on wood). One of the pre-meds they give Joe is a steroid, so he has a bunch of energy for the 2nd and 3rd day following his treatment. Usually it is on the 4th and 5th day that he just crashes from exhaustion. The plan is to go up north for the weekend, so he is just praying that he has enough energy to get some fishing in!
- Jess
Cleveland Clinic
A few months ago, shortly after Joe was initially diagnosed, he went to the Cleveland Clinic for a consultation on a procedure that is pretty aggressive and fairly controversial in the medical world. This procedure is called HIPEC (Hyperthermic Intraperitoneal Chemotherapy). Basically, this is heated chemotherapy that is delivered directly to the abdominal cavity. Before HIPEC is done, a surgeon goes in and removes all visible tumors (this is known as cytoreductive surgery).
From what we have been told, this is a pretty rough surgery with a long recovery period, and is only available for very select patients as the cancer has to be contained to the abdominal cavity. During the initial consultation, Joe met with a surgeon and a medical oncologist. The surgeon was adamant that Joe was a great candidate, and this should be done 6 weeks following the completion of the radiation. The medical oncologist wasn't so certain that Joe was a good candidate, and thought it would be best for Joe to complete the multi-agent chemotherapy first. Ughhh.... why can't anything be easy or straight forward!
The differing opinions between the surgeon and medical oncologist is what brought us back to Cleveland this past Friday for a follow up meeting. Joe was a dreading the onslaught of questions regarding his diagnosis and symptoms. The night before we left he was already putting together snarky responses for the typical first question that a doctor asks: "What brings you in today," or "What can I do for you?" Luckily, the surgical oncologist we met with asked neither of these questions, and as a result, she quickly won Joe over. Dr. Wey was very nice, and spent a long time reviewing Joe's case and discussing the facts with us. Ultimately she decided that she thinks it is best to wait a while until we can see how Joe progresses on the current chemotherapy regimen. While it is nice to have the option available to have this HIPEC treatment, it is a pretty big deal, and we aren't sure we were ready to take that risk yet, especially since Joe has been feeling much better.
All in all the trip to Cleveland went very well and we were happy to have went. We tried to find cool things to take pictures of on our drive there and back, but were completely unsuccessful. There was lots of farm land for the majority of the ride, and then some nice Cleveland ghettos closer to the hospital.
- Jess
From what we have been told, this is a pretty rough surgery with a long recovery period, and is only available for very select patients as the cancer has to be contained to the abdominal cavity. During the initial consultation, Joe met with a surgeon and a medical oncologist. The surgeon was adamant that Joe was a great candidate, and this should be done 6 weeks following the completion of the radiation. The medical oncologist wasn't so certain that Joe was a good candidate, and thought it would be best for Joe to complete the multi-agent chemotherapy first. Ughhh.... why can't anything be easy or straight forward!
The differing opinions between the surgeon and medical oncologist is what brought us back to Cleveland this past Friday for a follow up meeting. Joe was a dreading the onslaught of questions regarding his diagnosis and symptoms. The night before we left he was already putting together snarky responses for the typical first question that a doctor asks: "What brings you in today," or "What can I do for you?" Luckily, the surgical oncologist we met with asked neither of these questions, and as a result, she quickly won Joe over. Dr. Wey was very nice, and spent a long time reviewing Joe's case and discussing the facts with us. Ultimately she decided that she thinks it is best to wait a while until we can see how Joe progresses on the current chemotherapy regimen. While it is nice to have the option available to have this HIPEC treatment, it is a pretty big deal, and we aren't sure we were ready to take that risk yet, especially since Joe has been feeling much better.
All in all the trip to Cleveland went very well and we were happy to have went. We tried to find cool things to take pictures of on our drive there and back, but were completely unsuccessful. There was lots of farm land for the majority of the ride, and then some nice Cleveland ghettos closer to the hospital.
 |
| I was really wishing we could turn towards Chicago instead of Cleveland :( |
 |
| Close to the hospital was a pink and blue house, turned BBQ restaurant, with a drive through window called Hot Sauce Williams. It was so completely ghetto, and Joe SO wanted to stop. Luckily I was driving, and my stomach was safe! I wish I had mastered the art of driving and picture taking, so that I could have gotten a picture of the house as well. |
- Jess
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